I Was Eaten By A Lion

Not really. But that’d be kind of funny right?

Maybe not for those of you crying at my pretend funeral, where I was eaten by a lion, made up of figments of my imagination (it’s a mighty lion, with huge teefs). But for everyone else, what a way to go! Hilarity! Especially those people whom blocked me on Facebook. Though, they probably wouldn’t hear the news of my untimely death by lion until it was way past appropriate to laugh.

If I was being eaten by a lion, that would mean I made it to Africa, and more than likely the safari trip I’ve always wanted to take. I bet I rode an elephant. A large grey one, with huge tusks. The poachers probably were jealous of my Elephant Whispering capabilities, and they led me astray to the hungry lions, instead of the cute cuddly ones.

Damn Poachers.

I’d name my Elephant Eli. Eli the Elephant sounds nice? Eli would be a smart elephant, and he’d know how to do tricks with peanuts. We’d laugh, and I’d pat his head, like I do my dog Arrow.

Naturally, Arrow would have to attend this Safari. He’d never forgive me if I traversed across the world without him. He’s jealous.

Usually, I wouldn’t be afraid of hungry lions, as Arrow would protect me. He’s 34-lbs of ferocious demon dog. And he has eye lasers. For reals.

Sadly, he’d be too distracted by the Giraffe (that I named George) to stop me from being eaten by the lions. However, he’d go on a Kill Bill-style rampage of revenge. They’d have to name him King of the Jungle, because he’d kill all the lions with his Dog-Ninja-Skills.

I drew a picture, so you can better visualize his conquests…

 

Arrow Destroys the Death Lion

 

Once his blood lust is unleashed, no one is safe. Arrow would continue until all of the lions were smote. He’s kind of awesome that way.

So when I do go on Safari in Africa, I’ll be sure to take Arrow, and keep him between the lions and me. And I’ll let the Poachers ride the elephant with me.

-Ryan